


First

by QueenandLeonhardt



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, M/M, a whole lotta angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 15:16:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12171462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenandLeonhardt/pseuds/QueenandLeonhardt
Summary: Keith realized "firsts" didn't always mean "best."





	First

The battle wasn't worse than any of their others, but that hadn't made it any less brutal. While they needed to save the planet that homed the Zarbians, Allura insisted that important intel could be found inside the main base. According to her, it was something she really needed out of Zarkon’s hands, and she wanted one of the paladins to retrieve it. Most of them could remain piloting their lions, both as a distraction and a way to stop the Galran invaders by air, but someone had to enter the base. The rest would have to fight against the impressive fleet of alien battleships. Shiro had been hesitant to send Keith in alone, but in the end decided Keith would be the best one to sneak in the base and take them out from there. He’d sent Keith off with a nervous smile and a tight squeeze to his shoulder, accompanying this with a promise to see Keith again after the battle was over. It was a weak attempt at reassuring them both that Keith would succeed and make it out alive, but Keith nodded and agreed anyway. 

For the most part, he had succeeded. He’d retrieved what Allura wanted easily enough, navigating smoothly in and out of the central room (not without leaving a few dead Galra robots in his wake), and nearly making it back to his lion hidden in a now--thanks to Lance--empty hangar. But then he got caught. 

The explosion that had been caused by a Galra soldier had not been according to plan. He’d seen Keith, took the shot and missed, instead hitting a vat of glowing liquid a few feet behind behind him. The liquid was apparently the substance that the Galra were forcibly extracting from the planet of which was hyperactive--really toxic and explosive.

Being closest to the blast radius, Keith got hurt. His body had been thrown directly into a wall of the base, the hard collision causing a dull ache to occur along the entire right side of his body. The bruised ribs and probably concussion weren’t the worst injuries he’s ever had, but the deep cut in his arm caused by some wayward shrapnel would have to take some time in the pod. 

Being as unstable as the place was, he understood trying to get another lion in the area could prove terrible for both Keith and his attempted saviour. This meant that, unfortunately, calling for help was pointless. The base was going to collapse on itself, and there’s no way he’d try and risk the life of one of the other paladins. He had to get out on his own, and fast. 

The other paladins, after being told by Coran that they couldn’t do anything about the explosion, began shouting through the comm system trying to make sure of Keith’s safety. His helmet had cracked after the the hit, flying off his head in the process. He knew they probably could only hear a combination of screams from the galra soldiers trapped in the rubble and static from where the hit caused it to malfunction. He felt guilty at his radio silence, but his biggest priority was to get back to his lion. Any uninjured Galra soldiers would shake off the shell-shock soon enough, and he couldn’t afford to get captured or crushed by the rubble that kept falling from the bunker’s compromised ceiling. His friend's concern just had to wait. 

He could tell the static and enemy screams only prodded the others to be even more concerned at his continued silence. 

Amidst the calls of his name from Allura, Hunk, Pidge, and Lance, a soft “Keith, please. Please. Answer me,” rang out. It was Shiro. It was choked and broken, and so soft you could almost miss it, but it was Shiro.

Keith felt a pang in his chest at the sad sound and tried to run faster. He knew trying to maneuver his helmet back on while cracked could only slow him down. Regardless of how much he wanted assure the others of his safety, he had to do what was best strategically until he could escape. It was why Shiro had chosen him for this mission. No one knew how to effectively navigate through a failed plan like Keith could. As ticks went by, and the shouts from the comm worsened, Keith couldn't help but worry about their usually collected leader as he ran. 

Right as Keith exited the bunker, and just when he thought he was home free, Shiro’s next words brought him to a full stop. “I love you, Keith,” he said. “Please, Keith. Dammit, please be okay.” He ended it angrily, with a pointed thump accentuating his words. He must have thrown his fist against the black lion’s console. 

The cries from the other paladins over the comm stopped abruptly as Shiro’s pleading continued. Keith was shocked at Shiro’s unexpected confession, but there was also an overwhelming feeling of elation. There was something cathartic about the feelings Shiro just admitted to; it was something Keith had needed to hear for months, regardless of the situation. But he did feel guilt at the thought that such a confession only came when he had made Shiro think he might be dead.

Keith bit back a vicious growl as he ran faster. I shouldn’t be dead for you to finally tell me this, Shiro.

Running back to his lion to escape back to the castle-ship, he listened attentively for a continuation from Shiro even as the begging subsided. He wanted to hear more. His name called. Another I love you. Anything. Allura and Lance had started to shout his name yet again, but Shiro gave him nothing else. 

“I'm fine,” Keith immediately answered after he situated his helmet back on and found his voice could work again. “I hurt my arm, but I'll make it. I'm on my way to the castle.”

Keith got into his lion quickly. After making himself known, he heard some words of relief from over the system, but he recognised that Shiro’s voice was not one of them. Today there was no “good job team” or “nice to have you back, Keith” just… silence. It was disconcerting, not hearing those endearing words of praise to the team. Shiro was usually such the calm and strong leader. 

Now as he flew back with the rest of his team, Keith mentally braced for a possible confrontation. Confession or not, Shiro must still be stuck on the old rules for their relationship. In some ways, he probably still saw Keith as the hotheaded cadet he’d met back when Keith was seventeen. But even if that was the case, Keith didn't know what he'd say. He’d had his own walls up for so long now. He’d struggle to say what he meant. Prodding Shiro to finally do the same would be an even greater challenge. 

Riding back to the castle-ship in Red, he thought about how back at the Garrison he’d seen his own feelings as fanciful—too good to be true. Shiro had been the the “golden boy.” He had always abided by every Garrison rule, regulation, and norm. Keith hadn’t been stupid, he’d known Shiro wouldn’t dare enter a gay relationship with a cadet, not with his reputation as the model student. Keith would hear the whispers, the ones with snickers and scoffs about the “problem cadet” from Shiro’s colleagues. But Shiro, accepting and kind as he was, would never say or do anything similar to those other boys (that was just something else Keith loved about him), but at the time Keith thought that those whispers meant something important to Shiro, something that meant a ruined reputation and a failed career at the mere idea of dating a punk kid with disciplinary issues and a temper. At that point, Keith had resigned himself to “just friends,” and proceeded to learn and train harder and faster at Shiro’s side. 

He had been devastated when Shiro disappeared. 

Keith got himself kicked out of the garrison after raging straight to Iverson’s office about the screens around the base flashing “pilot error” for everyone to see. He left it all behind and went out to that shack he lived in for a year to pour his entire being into the mysteries out there in the desert. Alone out there, he sometimes thought about Shiro and how they were before Kerberos. Those days were gone though, and Keith had recognised that as he followed conspiracies in the shack. Didn't stop him from missing Shiro's smile. 

After Shiro returned, he’d felt something shift between them.

Shiro was softer with him. Keith knew he couldn’t explain it well enough, but the lingering touches to his shoulder and the small smiles Keith would get when Shiro thought he wasn’t looking was something much different from anything between them at the Garrison. The hugs where Shiro would hold him tightly and press his cheek to Keith’s hair became more frequent after the Marmora trials. There was also the way Shiro would talk to him when they were alone. It was soft, sweet even. 

Piloting red back into the hangar, Keith felt nervous. From the cockpit, he could see all the other lions had returned, including Black. Somehow this made the current situation all the more real, knowing Shiro was just a few feet away. 

After getting out of his lion and stepping out onto the floor of the castle-ship to meet Shiro, Keith froze. Shiro looked completely wrecked. His white bangs were tangled and matted against his forehead, and the red rings around his eyes indicated he’d been crying. He was hunched over and curled in on himself. His helmet and chest piece were nowhere to be found, something that made him look more disheveled and disorganised than Keith had ever seen him. Keith wasn’t sure what he’d wanted or expected, but he didn’t expect Shiro to look so cold and tired. 

Lance, Hunk, and Pidge had apparently all made it back to meet Allura and Coran without them, because as far as Keith could tell him and Shiro were the last ones here. This didn’t surprise Keith after Shiro’s emotional admission over the comms. They’d left the two paladins alone on purpose. 

“Shiro,” Keith said shakily. “Shiro, I—” 

Shiro ignored him, instead walking briskly past Keith to meet with the other paladins of voltron. Keith felt hurt. He knew he’d heard Shiro’s confession over the comm system; the “I love you” was replaying over and over in his head. 

Keith felt like his body had gone completely on auto-pilot as he numbly followed Shiro toward the main hall of the ship where the others were. He didn’t know what he had expected from his teammate, but this cold silence wasn’t it. 

Despite the cool atmosphere Shiro was emulating, Keith could tell the other paladins were buzzing with excitement (albeit appearing very tired) at their win. For them, the planet was saved and all of them were safe—it was a win for team voltron. They were all fine and alive. 

Keith felt anything but fine. 

He felt even worse when he realized that his teammates must have been waiting to congratulate him and Shiro, based on how they turned to him with expectant smiles. 

Their faces all fell grim at the sight of the red and black paladins being feet apart from one another, Shiro looking dead on his feet and Keith practically seething. 

The look on Shiro’s face said it all. Regret. He felt regret about what he'd said to Keith. 

He hadn’t wanted to say anything at all. 

Keith could feel angry tears form in the corner of his eyes, threatening to spill onto his cheeks. He wiped his arm across his eyes, ashamed of the droplets forming there. This wasn't supposed to happen like this. 

“Keith,” Allura spoke up, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence amongst all of the paladins. “You mentioned that you were injured. You should get into one of the pods.” 

Keith didn't answer her, still upset at Shiro blatantly ignoring his existence. In his periphery he could see the others tense up after Allura’s suggestion, all waiting for him to explode as if he were a ticking time-bomb. He couldn't blame them. He could feel his temper sizzling up to a boil.

“Yeah,” Lance added with a shaky laugh, “I think I should go in a pod as well. How ’bout you come with me, man?” 

It was a last-ditch attempt to keep Keith away from Shiro until he could calm down. 

He ignored them in favour of glaring at Shiro, expecting him to speak up. The older man just stood there, staring at the ground. 

“You’re not even going to talk about it, are you,” Keith hissed, all his anger bubbling to the surface. He stared at Shiro, who had yet to even acknowledge him, much less acknowledge what he’d said over the comms. Shiro remained silent, but glanced nervously at the other paladins as if waiting for outbursts from them as well. 

His silence only spurred Keith on. The rejection hurt more than anything for him. He felt his next words fling themselves from his lips. 

“I heard you! We all heard you say it!” Keith shouted, his voice loud enough to echo across the large room. As he spoke, he threw his arm out to address all the other paladins, his eyes not once leaving Shiro’s large hunched-over frame. 

Keith couldn't even care less about the state of his arm at the moment, drops of blood dripping from the open wound. At this point, the pain hadn’t even registered. He easily ignored all the blood, and all the bruises that now probably purpled his skin in favour of yelling out his frustration. 

“You don't get to take back something like that, Shiro!” He growled, throwing his fist against the table closest to him. 

“Keith!” Allura interrupted, her voice holding a sharp fierceness to it. “I understand you're upset, but this is no way to handle the situation, especially as the red paladin of Voltron.” 

Keith rounded on her. “No. You don't get to say that because you don't know,” he shot back, matching her ferocity in stride. “This goes back before Voltron--before any of you.”

“We have eyes, Keith. We know,” Hunk said, scratching the back of his head nervously. “But Allura’s right. You gotta calm down, dude. This isn’t solving anything.”

Keith sucked in a breath, still seething, but followed Hunk’s words. He looked again at Shiro, who was now staring at Keith. Keith held his gaze, but didn’t make another outburst. Instead he crossed his arms across his chest. He was determined to let Shiro make the next move. 

The silence that ensued was smothering. 

A moment later, Shiro grabbed Keith's uninjured arm, tugging him away from the prying and concerned eyes of the others. Keith didn't care one way or another at this point if they listened anymore. They'd heard enough already. 

As Shiro dragged him along, Keith’s anger rose again. He didn't want to be manhandled, he wanted to yell again. But the determined look on Shiro’s face spoke of just what the other man's intentions were, so Keith very reluctantly remained silent until after Shiro had led them into Keith’s room. After the door was completely sealed, Keith felt everything rush out of him with even more fervour than before.

“You said you loved me,” Keith started out bluntly. It tasted bitter to say it out loud with Shiro standing right across from him, looking empty, having no reaction to his words.

As much as he wanted Shiro to just talk to him again, Keith couldn’t keep from filling the silence between them... even if his words only fell through the void between their feet. He had to at least try to get through to Shiro.

“You admitted that you love me.” Keith pressed on, ignoring the subtle flinch in Shiro’s shoulders.

The larger man simply listened to him, not saying a word. Just another figurative punch to Keith’s gut. 

“So why did you say it if you didn't mean it?” he finally asked irritably, crossing his arms over his chest. “I know you, Shiro. You wouldn’t acting like this if you didn’t wish you could take it back.”

“Keith,” Shiro said, finally breaking his silence that he’d held onto since they’d left the other paladins. “Keith, I thought you were dead. What I said was in the heat of moment and I was scared I’d lost you.” Shiro finally lifted his gaze to look Keith in the eye, and Keith’s heart sank at the cold determination he saw there. “You're just my friend and teammate. You're like the others.”

It took everything Keith had not to close himself off at that, even as his heart began to shatter from the emotional distance Shiro was trying to put between them. “Really? You’re saying that you’d say the same to any of the others? To Allura? Lance?”

Shiro opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it and pursed his lips. The answer was no. 

“Talk to me, Shiro,” Keith pleaded, rushing forward to make the space between them smaller. He didn't stop until they were standing but a few inches apart. 

“Keith…” Shiro trailed off, now unwilling to even look his comrade in the eyes. “What I said… it wasn't right.” 

“Why?” Keith questioned furiously, reaching out to grip Shiro’s black Lycra-textured suit tightly in his fists. “Tell me why ‘it isn’t right.’ Shiro, you know how I feel about you. I've waited for you to acknowledge us since the day you returned from Kerberos. You finally did and now you want to take it all back?” 

“Keith,” Shiro said softly, trying to gently pry Keith’s clenched fists from his undersuit. Shiro looked hesitant to continue, holding Keith’s tight fists in his larger hands. Keith could tell he was forcibly holding himself back. There was something he wanted to say, but refused to. 

“It was all a mistake,” Shiro protested quietly, no malice or even earnesty to be found in his voice. He sounded hollow. “You’re just like a brother to me, Keith. It was a misunderstanding.”

“Liar,” Keith accused, gritting his teeth and letting furious tears spill down his cheeks. Shiro was turning his own words against him, words he'd said in an hour of desperation. “That's a lie.” 

“You said it yourself, Keith. We're like brothers.” 

Keith felt as though he’d been kicked in the stomach. He stood there, effectively numbed and not resisting as Shiro finally tore his hands from his shoulders. It was a low blow, and Shiro knew that. The Marmora trials had been a time when he needed to find who he was. He was still coming to terms with so much, and bringing it up… Shiro’s words cut deep. 

“I… I don't know how to say what I'm thinking, Shiro. I know you know that,” he argued harshly. “What was I supposed to say? ‘Oh, by the way Shiro I love you?’ Did you want that? I'd had enough rejection that day.”

“Did you think I'd ever reject you like that?” He had the gall to look surprised. 

“What do you think you're doing now?!” Keith growled in response. 

Shiro looked pained, but he wouldn’t say anything. He didn't have a response to that.

“In my mind… I saw you walk away, Shiro,” Keith continued. “You were going to leave me,” he breathed in, then out. “I couldn't say it—that I love you. But I do, you know. I love you.” 

Keith had never been one to wear his heart on his sleeve, but now he found himself desperately trying to place it in Shiro’s hands, before his chance was gone. He held in his breath, scared. At this point, the icy feeling rejection always left him with had already sunk down upon him. But he had to try. 

“Keith, please,” Shiro begged desperately, looking pained. Keith could see his figurative armour breaking apart, slowly, chip by chip, even as he tried to convince himself that they couldn’t do this… that they couldn’t have an ‘us.’ “You don’t mean that—you don’t mean any of this.”

“Yes,” Keith countered firmly. “Yes, I do.” 

“We can't,” Shiro said, voice growing more and more anxious as the ticks went by. “We can't,” he repeated, hanging his head.

Keiths blood was boiling. He didn't mean to be so mad, or even wanted to. Shiro just wasn’t being consistent, making excuse after excuse. He reached out yet again to Shiro’s broad shoulders, pulling him closer. 

“Please, Shiro. Stop making excuses. What am I going to be called this time? Your friend? Brother? Or am I going to be ‘Cadet Kogane’ all over again?” He held in a breath, already regretting he was about to say. It was low, lower than anything Shiro had tried on him, but Keith couldn’t find it in himself to stop. He needed to get Shiro out of the past, now.

”...or are you going to leave me too?” 

Shiro’s attention snapped forward, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. “Not that, Keith. Never that.” 

Keith chuckled sadly. “Then what's holding you back?” 

“Why are you so set on this?” Shiro shouted, throwing his arms up in the air, knocking Keith’s arms away. It was the emotional reaction Keith had been waiting for. Shiro had been so placating, so melancholy up until now. There was something satisfying about him exhibiting a genuine emotion, regardless of what was being said. “Keith, I’m not worth it!”

Keith paused, “I’m not worth it” ringing through his head. He couldn’t make sense of the words, especially with his head so fogged with with frustration and anger. Shiro is kind, patient, and a strong leader—all reasons everyone looked up to him. Shiro was saying he wasn’t worth it? He was worth more to Keith than he could ever possibly realise. He’d saved Keith all those years ago when they first met, teaching him and helping him improve not only his piloting but also letting him believe that somebody actually cared about him. He owed Shiro so much. 

What happened to him?

Keith felt anger flooding through his veins as he remembered finding Shiro unconscious in Galaxy Garrison quarantine. Shiro had been a Galra prisoner just before that… and in that long year so many little things had changed in him, had convinced him that he wasn’t worth people’s love and admiration anymore. Keith’s fists clenched at his sides at the thought. 

He’d just have to convince Shiro otherwise.

Shiro’s tired voice brought him back to the present. “You don’t really want this, Keith.” 

“Dammit, Shiro,” Keith shouted. “You don’t get to decide what I want or not! I want you!”

Shiro groaned, hanging his head in his hands. “Don't say that.”

“But I mean it,” Keith asserted. “Shiro, I—” 

Keith didn’t get to finish his sentence. Shiro surged forward, pushed him against the cold wall, and then kissed him hard. The force he put into the kiss was unrelenting, strong, and Keith could feel everything Shiro was trying to say, but couldn’t aloud. It was desperate, as if Shiro truly believed either one of them could be here today and gone tomorrow. He gripped either side of Keith’s waist, blunt fingers digging into his skin. 

All of Keith’s thoughts were pushed aside with each firm brush of Shiro’s lips against his own. The black paladin kept Keith firmly pressed against himself, his hands gripping Keith’s hips as though he feared Keith might find a way to disappear between the panels of the wall behind him. All of Keith’s strength went into kissing Shiro back, trying to convince Shiro of his feelings with each gentle brush of his tongue, with each nip of his lips. I’m not going anywhere, stay with me, he pleaded silently. The only thing that kept Keith grounded, that kept him from sobbing into Shiro’s mouth, was the feeling of Shiro’s fingers gently tracing his hip-bones with a familiarity that made Keith’s heart ache. 

Keith wound his arms around Shiro's neck, willing himself to never let go. 

Shiro separated first, but leaned in to press his forehead against Keith’s, his warm breath ghosting against Keith’s lips. 

Keith smiled, his arms still wrapped around Shiro’s shoulders. They were chest to chest and toe to toe, and the warmth coming from his body was a comfort. 

His smile drifted into an expression of concern at Shiro’s continued silence. 

He looked up to see Shiro’s eyes were wide, scared. His fingers dug painfully into Keith’s hips, making Keith wince. Shiro glanced at his Galra-made hand before letting go of Keith as if he’d been burned.

“It was just a kiss,” Shiro said before stumbling out of Keith's arms and abruptly turning away to leave in a state of near panic. 

When the door closed, Keith just stared at the space where Shiro had been just moments ago, kissing him. He reached out, hand catching nothing but air.


End file.
